NMT

No joking around. We all have tickets and my brother, Mitch is going too. He's the adult in our group.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, to much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.

"Mary...Mary...."

"Is that you, Homer?"

"Yes, Mary, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, and I have sex again. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it all starts again."

"Oh Homer, you surely must be in heaven."

"Well not exactly Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."